My 7th-Grade Notes to Julius Caesar’s “Gallic Wars”

BOOK I:  “Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres…” All Gaul is divided into three parts, but you would not want to visit two of them after dark. Caesar prepares for a military engagement after learning that the Helvetii, having been denied a patent for their typeface font, have been roused to rebellion by Orgetorix, whose stance against weekly bathing is still fought in parts of France to this day.

BOOK II:  Caesar defeats the Belgae in northern Gaul. He orders their ambassadors, Iccius and Antebrogius, to proclaim their allegiance to Rome by line dancing and singing “The Little Nash Rambler.” Publius Crassus, one of Caesar’s commanders, crosses the maritime states of Gaul. Green with envy and seasickness, his second-in-command, Cicero, argues before the Roman Senate that his legions be rewarded for their bravery and sacrifice by giving them a choice of 30 days’ unpaid furlough or free dance lessons at the YMCA. The Senate responds by proclaiming Cicero “Nitwit of the Month.”

BOOK III:  Caesar sends Servius Galba to open a toll road to the Alps. On the way, Servius is attacked by the Seduni and Veragri tribes after it is learned that a speed limit will be imposed. Meanwhile, under the direction of Titurius Sabinus and Publius Crassus, Caesar’s maritime forces, 4,300 strong, defeat the Venelli twins, who had been sneaking out of class during recess to write obscene messages in the sand.

BOOK IV:  Caesar moves into Germany for the first time, whereupon he exclaims “Nimius!” (translation: Outrageous!) after learning of the rent for a studio apartment. The Germans whisper “Er trägt nicht unterwäsche” (translation: He isn’t wearing underwear), and flee across the English Channel into Britain. Caesar also crosses The Channel—something no Roman had ever before done on foot—and defeats the British who, unbeknownst to him, are really the transplanted Germans. Caesar punishes them by sending them into exile in Germany.

BOOK V:  The Nervi attack a Roman encampment during a musical revival of “Gigi.” Cicero holds off the Nervi by having his troops sit in the last available seat each time the music stops. Caesar arrives with reinforcements, including extra pillows and a tape loop of Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.”

BOOK VI:  The shortest of the books in Caesar’s Gallic W–

BOOK VII:  Fourteen Gallic tribes revolt. This comes as a great surprise to Caesar, who heretofore only knew the names of five of them. Under the leadership of Vercingetorix, they battle Caesar at Alesia, where the tribes likely would have defeated the Romans had not the only deli in the area closed for the summer. Caesar returns to Rome where he is approached by his agent to write a book about the war. Caesar learns that his longtime friend Brutus—also known as Bruté, after a heralded stint at Chippendales—had himself been approached to write a similar book, leading to Caesar’s famous exclamation, “Quis sciebant poterat legere et scribere?” (translation: Who knew he could read and write?)

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2 Responses to My 7th-Grade Notes to Julius Caesar’s “Gallic Wars”

  1. Louis says:

    Favorite Cool, Gray, Dawn quotes:
    Cool, Gray, Dawn

    DURANG

    What-you wake up a few clowns short of circus this morning?

    TURNER

    Just do what you’re told and leave the thinking to the grown-ups.

    Capisce?

    LATHAM

    You know, I teach a course in assassination to JOTs-the trainees. And one of the things I stress is, if it’s to look like a suicide, make sure your environment supports that conclusion.

    BAUMAN

    I can help you come to terms with this, but I won’t help you forget it. You need to remember this.l

    COLLETTE

    That was strange-even for him.

    DILAURIA

    Reminds me of a quote by Thoreau: “Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.”

    DILAURIA

    Well, if you remember your mistakes, you’re less likely to repeat them.

    BROWNLEY

    Oh, no. Married men should forget their mistakes. No need for two people to remember the same thing.

    LATHAM

    No, Alton Use them. He convinced them Brownley Was a fat mouth. Then played on their feud with us to sucker them into a game of one upmanship, Running counter surveillance to flush us out. They Kept us away until Alton Was ready to have him arrested.

    LATHAM

    All Provocations involve false flag recruiting. A passive one can be used to ID The opposition, Fetid this information, Ways its resources Divergent it’s attention, sow Dissension within its ranks, Discredit it, Make it surface a hidden activity, or make it look like a bunch of idiots

    Shakespeare’s Hamlet

    Act I Scene I

    ‘One may smile, and smile, and be a villain.”

    Just a little rearguard action.

    Man, you’re cranky without your nap.

    I need a fast intelligence assessment by someone who can knock him off his feet.

    I’d ask Bazzo, but I don’t think Raul goes in for rough trade.

    You’ve recognized your weakness that’s halfway to correcting them. But not by playing games with the CIA.

    Working here’s like going cross country with a kid who just learned to whistle.

    KENSINGTON:

    Why? I thought you and SMOTH were pals again.

    LATHAM:

    Doesn’t mean we share all our toys.

    COLLETTE

    Time to slay the fatted calf.

    The prodigal son returns.

    KENSINGTON

    See that it get actioned,will you.

    BAZZO

    There goes the poster boy for the Ugly American.

    JONES

    I’ll catch a few winks now while you blather on.

    Ah, the connoisseur of wit. Which one was that -dim, half or nit?)

    PRESTON

    I also gave you sabots instead of standard ammunition. That way if you do manage to hit someone, there’ll be very little left of him that’s left of him that’s capable of firing back.

    BERARD:

    Julius Caesar Reference:

    Surrounded by men too lean and hungry to be trusted.

    Like

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