Cosmic Neighbors

28 March 2011 – Collected from the Wire Services:

2200 Hrs., New York – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has announced that from 18 March 2011 continuing through 27 March 2011, shortwave broadcasts containing “burst” messages – a phrase repeated several times over a ten-second span – monitored by the National Security Agency in Bethesda, MD, and like agencies in London, Rome, Moscow, Paris and other world capitols, have been determined to be of extraterrestrial origin.

These messages were apparently announcements that there would be more messages to follow. The second wave of messages were similar in format to the initial messages received, and were described by one high-ranking Pentagon official as “boring.”

A third group of messages, however, announced that there would be multiple landings of interstellar spacecraft at selected sites around the globe. These messages further stated that the landings would be peaceful, and urged interested onlookers to refrain from making any sudden movements.

At 1230 hours Sunday, the first such landing took place at Branch Brook Park in Newark, NJ. There are, however, indications that the requirements set forth in the final announcement were not entirely met, as eyewitnesses reported seeing an enormous, cylindrical object land on an outdoor performance of “Hair.” Those holding tickets for later performances of this particular production are requested to return them for a full refund.

Video of subsequent landings outside London, Paris, Madrid, Moscow and Rome has been received, though reports of seeming indifference by the Italians are as yet unconfirmed.

Radio station KTEX in Wichita Falls, TX reported on one such landing: The craft hovered for a few seconds over the downtown district—currently under renovation—before speeding off. It was tracked by FAA radar as it made brief, abortive landing attempts in Sioux Falls, SD; Duluth, MN; Lincoln, NE; and Buffalo, NY, before finally settling in Montego Bay, Jamaica, just outside the popular Sandals Couples Resort.

Mr. Ban, stating the position of the United Nations, has said that it would be premature to assume any hostile intent on the part of the interstellar travelers. And, despite an unconfirmed report from New York Helicopter of a last-minute reservation for its 2:00 PM flight from its E. 42 St. helipad, the Secretary General urged people around the world to welcome this opportunity to meet our “cosmic neighbors.”

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